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 Monday October 28, 2002
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Give me bagel pizzas or give me death
Fake Celebrity Opinion

by Sean Connery
October 28, 2002

Acting is tough work. You have to travel around constantly, you sometimes have to endure hours in makeup, you have to deal with tedious directors day after day, and you often have to take roles that you really don't want.

But if there's one thing that makes acting worth it, it's all the money that I get so I can keep a steady supply of that wonderful invention of American snackers: the bagel pizza.

Seriously, that snack has me hooked like a Dutch prostitute with fishnets. I can't really envision my life before I first encountered that delicious delicacy, which is good, because a life without bagel pizzas is not really a life at all.

I remember the first time I had a bagel pizza like it was yesterday. It was on the set of Entrapment, the high-octane action thriller where I star as a sophisticated thief alongside Catherine Zeta-Jones and her finely shaped body poured into that sexy black bagel pizz-I mean, jumpsuit.

So Catherine and I were outside her trailer and she asked one of the crew if he could fetch us something to eat from the cast's refrigerator. He brought back a package of those sweet bagel pizzas. Catherine very nonchalantly went inside the trailer to zap them in the microwave. I was somewhat skeptical at first: "What kind of sick person would think to combine two foods such as these?" I thought.

But when I took that first bite, my skepticism very quickly changed to a feeling nothing short of pure ecstasy. From that day on, I have been a bagel pizza junkie.

Some people may like the taste of the bagel pizza. Hell, some may even love it. But no one is the bagel pizza connoisseur that I am. It's not enough to enjoy bagel pizzas; for bagel pizzas come in all different shapes and sizes. One has to have tried the whole spectrum of bagel pizzas before they can truly call themselves an aficionado.

In my esteemed opinion, there is no such thing as a bad bagel pizza. To be sure, there are some that merely taste good, and others that are truly wrought by the hands of God. The latter kind, Aunt Beulah's Down Home Bagel Pizza Bites (what I like to call my ABD's), is the closest thing to perfection I have yet experienced.

These particular bagel pizzas are only at a few supermarkets in the American deep south. I've been known to take a flight from the set in exotic locations like Malaysia and Zimbabwe to Atlanta, rent a car, and drive south a few hours to Joe Bob's Shop N' Save where I buy the store's entire supply of ABD's. At first, Billy, the cashier, was so shocked and appalled to see me that he nearly wet himself, but nowadays, I suspect he has a little snicker with his manager when he sees me enter the store for the umpteenth time. Well, !@#$% the both of 'em! I need my bagel pizzas!

When I'm on location, I keep my trailer stocked full of as many bagel pizzas as I can possibly fit. My fellow actors may laugh at me, call me names like Pizza Puff because of my bagel pizza gut, or post fake articles about things like my ABD's being recalled, but as long as I can stuff my face with bagel pizzas at the end of the day, I'm as happy as a bagel pizza.

 end of article dingbat


Give me bagel pizzas or give me death
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