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Jordan under a-breast

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According to the Mirror, the pneumatic mo-del, Jordan, was out celebrating in Birmingham with another mo-del after taking part in a jelly wrestling match.

"She was pissed and her make-up was off her face," a clubber explains. "Shortly after midnight, another drunken girl bumped into Jordan.

"She put her hands on Jordan's boobs to stop herself from falling over and she claims Jordan then thumped her in the face."

No-one was more surprised than the woman in question, who had mistaken Jordan's breasts for twin airbags which had suddenly inflated to break her fall.

Which brings us neatly onto Jodan's old flame, John Leslie, well, his girlfriend Abi Titmuss.

A year ago, Titmuss was thrust into the limelight when, in a slightly bizarre game of musical beds, she happened to be in John Leslie's when the storm over his sex life broke.

Today, the 27-year-old nurse is still sharing the TV presenter's bed and, now that all charges against him have been dropped, is determined to make the most of her 15 minutes of fame.

For the past few days, the Express has served up helping after helping of John Leslie's sex life, none of which makes for good reading over the breakfast table.

We have learnt that, rather like President Clinton and marijuana, he had a threesome once, but only once. Presumably, he didn't swallow.

We have learnt that, like the majority of people in television, he has snorted cocaine and, also like the majority of people in television, he has bedded Ulrika Jonsson.

And we have learnt that he is 6ft 5in, but wouldn't hurt a fly.

However, for the £600,000 it paid the former This Morning presenter, the Express wants more, which is why it has now moved on to Abi and her story.

The only problem is that Abi hasn't really got a story apart from being the girlfriend of a TV star who suddenly found himself at the centre of a media storm.

Yesterday, Abi revealed how she gave Leslie an ultimatum - it's Catherine Zeta Jones or me.

Naturally, he chose her, largely one suspects because her rival was happily married to Hollywood superstar Michael Douglas by that stage.

This morning, she talks about her anger with Ulrika Jonsson for the way she has handled the whole affair, her life as a nurse and how, er, she often goes shopping in charity shops.

All of which is absolutely fascinating, but we'd rather hear about Jordan wrestling in jelly, thanks.

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