4 Aug 2004
INSTEAD of sending in a guest with a secret camera to get snatch pictures of Catherine Zeta Jones's wedding, Hello! should have just hired a sketch artist.
|"And I even had heartburn, your honour"|
It could still have wrecked OK!'s £1m investment with its own "exclusive pictures" of the nuptials and would have probably not have been sued as a result.
We could have still enjoyed pictures of Catherine stuffing one vol-au-vent after another down her throat and of husband Michael Douglas being carried off the dance floor after his back went.
And in the unlikely event of the bride and groom complaining at the likenesses, the magazine could have pleaded artistic licence.
But it is too late for such thoughts - the sketch artist is a ruse that Hello! has come up with only now as it reports on Catherine's stalker trial.
And it has to be said that so appalling are the resulting pictures that we have to rely on the magazine to tell us that the dark-haired woman in the first picture is the Oscar-winning actress "struggling to maintain her composure".
Another picture portrays the youthful Michael Douglas as a haggard old man as he sits facing 32-year-old Dawnette Knight, the woman who is alleged to have been so infatuated by him that she threatened to kill his wife.
But even the most talented artist wouldn't have been able to capture the virtuosity of Catherine's performance in court as she told how the "satanic and horrific" threats "affected me...and will affect me for the rest of my life".
Seasoned court critics said the performance was even more electrifying than the one the 34-year-old actress gave at the Hello! trial.
Then, she was only "devastated" and "violated" at the publication of a photograph of her eating.
This time, with voice quavering and fighting back tears, she told the court of her reaction at hearing about the threats (none of which were actually sent directly to her).
"I started to shake and sweat. I felt like I was about to faint. I had a tingling sensation in my arms, a burning sensation in the roof of my mouth."
Classic signs, we suggest, of acid reflux. Give the girl some Gaviscon...and another Oscar.