Defamer

21March2005

CZJ Vs. The Bagel

czj-bagel.jpgFametracker kicks off a new feature, Celebrity Vs. Thing, in which the famous are pitted in a theoretical deathmatch (we’re pretty sure the loser isn’t actually erased from existence, but we’ll see how it goes) with a random inanimate object. Their first face-off involves beloved actress/mummy war bride Catherine Zeta-Jones and that most unfashionable artifact of the pre-Atkins era, the bagel.

So, which would you rather live without: C Z-J or bagels? It’s a tough one. We do love the bagels, but find them harder to eat since we’ve been brainwashed with all the anti-carb propaganda. First they took our donuts. Then they took our bagels. Even hard rolls come with a mouthful of guilt. Yes, we’ll wrap everything in whole-grain tortillas! Just stop torturing us!

And yet, ironically, C Z-J personifies exactly the kind of zaftig, laissez-faire embrace of the good life that’s become all the more enticing in this stingy, bagel-unfriendly world. And that thing she did with her bum and the lasers in that thief movie with Sean Connery? That’s not going to hurt her chances either.

You’ll have to click through to see who triumphs in this classic battle of immovable object and irresistible force, but we’re going to have to give the advantage to the bagel; even when you slather it with lox and cream cheese and promise it a great Hollywood career, it never lies about its age.

 

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