What the gossip mags say

By Jacqueline Maley
April 20, 2005
Catherine Zeta Jones: crisis talks over marriage?

Catherine Zeta Jones: crisis talks over marriage?

The only thing celebrities love more than breeding is talking about breeding. And this week's goss mags are full of bleating about babies, be they real or imagined.

The fecundity of pop stars and actresses is the issue of the moment, and leading the charge is pop tart Britney Spears, whose rounded tummy is the natural result of her endless gushing about children. Brits is delighted, but NW magazine fears her husband, Kevin Federline, is not as committed as a father-to-be should be. Is it the gambling NW is worried about? Is it the willy-nilly fathering of children to other women? Or is it The Rat's inability to pull his pants up past the waistband of his undies?

In a disturbing twist on Britney's pregnancy news, NW reveals that the pop star's handbag chihuahua, BitBit, is also pregnant, to Britney's brother's dog, Lambchop. But instead of celebrating the happy event, poor Britney is worried the liaison might be incestuous. No word yet as to whether a quickie Las Vegas wedding has been arranged to legitimise the union.

Professional idiot Anna Nicole Smith is setting new heights of self-exploitation by becoming a celebrity columnist at the National Enquirer, a publication with a low IQ but a high circulation, kinda like Anna herself.

Meanwhile, Woman's Day and New Idea are attempting to gain ever more mileage out of the yawn-worthy story of the marriage of those two old shag-buddies, Camilla and Charles.

But Who magazine is the only rag to come up with good gossip from the royal shindig, by stealing quotes from Britain's News of the World. In a fine example of the privacy-invading tradition of the British tabloids, NOTW hired a lip-reader to decipher the royal conversations outside the church after the blessing ceremony. Charles's first post-ceremony words to his fresh-faced bride? The passionate, "Well, here we are then", which the Queen followed up with a warm and congratulatory "We're leaving now". Those Windsors really know how to throw a party.

Woman's Day gets hot under the collar with revelations that Catherine Zeta-Jones and her geriatric husband Michael Douglas are in "crisis talks" over their allegedly crumbling union - she wants more kids while he, quite rightly, reckons he's too old.

But while the world's great diplomatic institutions usually meet for "crisis talks" in The Hague or Geneva, the Douglases favour the island of Barbados.

Speaking of ill-advised unions, NW alleges Delta is engaged to her pop star boyfriend, Brian McFadden, with the only fly in the ointment being Brian is already married. In recent months, Delta has made great strides in muddying her reputation, even garnering the tag of scarlet woman, usually reserved for the likes of Angelina Jolie. But she undoes it all by sending best wishes to Mark Philippoussos, the man who dumped her for Paris Hilton. The gracious behaviour has to end, Delta, it's unAustralian.

Get the Herald delivered to your home for as little as $3 a week

Our Advertisers