In accordance with federal legislation
prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle
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Ever wonder why rock stars end up getting
knighted if they prove their British ancestry & pay their income tax
bills on time? The recent trip Keavin sent me on, to Kermanshah, Iran to
ponder the rock carvings of knights & their victories in knighthood
cleared up this puzzling relationship for me.
From there, it was a quick trip to England
to interview Queen E. Her reputation as arguably the hugest fan in the
universe of such rock formations as those that occur in Iran turned out
to be a little bit incorrect. It turns out, she is a groupie of rock stars,
not rock formations! Due to her unique position as HRH the Queen, she has
used her connections to further the relevance of the monarchy by translating
her passion over the years from the concrete into the intangible, by knighting
rock stars faster than a bulimic visits the toilet after a trip to DQ.
First of all, let me just say that securing
an audience with the Queen is dangerous business! First of all, the Queen
is a huge giant Lil Jon fan, so I had to spend minutes on the phone with
a member of her posse pleading with her to meet with me because she felt
my review of “Crunk Juice” didn’t spend enough time praising Lil Jon’s
skill with rhyme & meter. In the end, it took a phone call to her from
Keavin, and the promise of however many autographs he had to bribe her
with for me to even get five minutes with her, sheesh! She is such a rabid
fan of rock that the room she agreed to meet me in is one usually kept
hidden from the press. In it, giant photographs of all the different concerts
she rocked out to wallpapered the room. Again, the fatal Dolly Disease
of diarrhea of the mouth kicked in before I could stop myself & I asked
her how she avoided getting thrown out of a concert for taking pictures,
earning me the famous “Queenie E scowl” so feared among the natives.
Mercifully, however, she didn’t throw me
out, so intent was she of obtaining whatever bones Keavin promised to throw
her way. I was a lot more careful in my questions after that!
I focused entirely on her announcement
that as part of Sir Elton John’s wedding to his long-term boyfriend he
would be reknighted, kindling her wrath once again.
“Why can’t you get anything right, you
bloody twit?” she demanded, scowling that famous scowl & throwing up
gang signs that had me checking to make sure my Sig was loaded & ready
for action should she press her posse into action.
She then went on to explain that once someone
was knighted, they didn’t need to get re- knighted. Howling with laughter,
she made some lame pun derogatory to American barbecues which I can’t repeat
on a family website. I warned her that Keavin is a huge fan of bbqs, and
that his palatial pole barn included a special room to hold his extensive
BBQ supplies, which did a great deal to get her focused back on this important
interview & the announcement I obviously didn’t understand.
She went on to explain that by Elton’s
upcoming homosexual union, he was demonstrating adherence of the highest
level to the code of a knight. I asked her how a guy who didn’t even like
women could demonstrate adherence to the concept of courtly love, (not
to be confused with Courtney Love, a woman so undesirable she could turn
any man gay within seconds.) a standard all knights were famous for.
Queenie E, as she is called by her peeps,
carefully explained what this meant to me. I was grateful, as I hail from
the country which has no real way to reward entertainers for their excellence
besides massive financial incentives, stars on the sidewalk and one silly
& trivial awards show after another. Out here knights are what happens
when the sun goes to sleep, what do I know about that?
“Courtly Love was always based on the knight
pining away for some woman he could never have, like the poetry where the
lowly knight wants to jump the bones of the Queen, but since he can’t or
he’ll be beheaded, he just kills dragons for her, writes poetry dedicated
to, wears her clothes & pines for her but never consummates it.” At
this, such a sly glance flew between her & one of her posse, a guy
who looked suspiciously like MC Hater that the sexual tension in the room
was palpable. I started to fumble around for an excuse to leave, so they
could further their verbal intercourse without the presence of gawkers
when Queenie E. whipped back to the task at hand of giving me my five minutes
so she could throw me out. Queenie E is a woman of her word!
She went on to explain that who better
typifies the code of courtly love than someone who has no intention of
ever consummating anything with a woman, ever. Such is the spirit of the
long dead knights, she insisted loudly.
I asked her then if it were possible that
Elton John was just seeking this marriage to secure a gold star on his
knight’s cap, doing publicly something as part of an elaborate public relations
scheme. Queenie E vehemently denied that anyone of British heritage would
ever stage anything in order to impress critics.
I reminded her of the marriage of another
Brit seeking Dameship, The Honorable & Delicate Future Lady Catherine
Zeta Jones. Queenie E insisted she knew of no such plot, so I filled her
in on that PR dream come true. During the publicity tour for her movie
with Sir Sean Connery, “Entrapment”, critics argued that not only was it
a stupid movie, the age difference between the stars was too far fetched.
Rather than her agreeing that the movie was a colossal bomb in addition
to having the far-fetched age difference, she ran out & wrestled Michael
Douglas away from his marriage in order to silence such harsh reviews,
insisting she likes the geriatric set so much she’ll marry them! The fact
that the marriage hasn’t dissolved in divorce after all these months proves
her desire to use it to obtain a female version of a good knighting. Sadly,
this didn’t help the movie gain any more dollars.
So when the homosexual union between Elton
& his boyfriend takes place, see how long it lasts after he gets his
additional “knight of the higher order” award, which is an upgrade rather
than a complete reknighting.
Posted by DeadSun:
You know--- this whole practice of knighting celebrities has truly gotten out of control. I'm not sure what the practicality behind it all is for. Hell, it doesn't add add up, even in terms of its ceremonial value. That there are plenty within British soldiery whose courage in combat easily merits this particular distinction almost turns the act into a mockery of what it was originally intended for. Secondly; it appears that the wide world now has knowledge of Keavin's BBQ fetish. Save a rack o' ribs for me, K. DS
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