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Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

As always the views expressed by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the iconoclast entertainment group

Royal Crock

Ever wonder why rock stars end up getting knighted if they prove their British ancestry & pay their income tax bills on time? The recent trip Keavin sent me on, to Kermanshah, Iran to ponder the rock carvings of knights & their victories in knighthood cleared up this puzzling relationship for me.

From there, it was a quick trip to England to interview Queen E. Her reputation as arguably the hugest fan in the universe of such rock formations as those that occur in Iran turned out to be a little bit incorrect. It turns out, she is a groupie of rock stars, not rock formations! Due to her unique position as HRH the Queen, she has used her connections to further the relevance of the monarchy by translating her passion over the years from the concrete into the intangible, by knighting rock stars faster than a bulimic visits the toilet after a trip to DQ.

First of all, let me just say that securing an audience with the Queen is dangerous business! First of all, the Queen is a huge giant Lil Jon fan, so I had to spend minutes on the phone with a member of her posse pleading with her to meet with me because she felt my review of “Crunk Juice” didn’t spend enough time praising Lil Jon’s skill with rhyme & meter. In the end, it took a phone call to her from Keavin, and the promise of however many autographs he had to bribe her with for me to even get five minutes with her, sheesh! She is such a rabid fan of rock that the room she agreed to meet me in is one usually kept hidden from the press. In it, giant photographs of all the different concerts she rocked out to wallpapered the room. Again, the fatal Dolly Disease of diarrhea of the mouth kicked in before I could stop myself & I asked her how she avoided getting thrown out of a concert for taking pictures, earning me the famous “Queenie E scowl” so feared among the natives.

Mercifully, however, she didn’t throw me out, so intent was she of obtaining whatever bones Keavin promised to throw her way. I was a lot more careful in my questions after that!

I focused entirely on her announcement that as part of Sir Elton John’s wedding to his long-term boyfriend he would be reknighted, kindling her wrath once again.

“Why can’t you get anything right, you bloody twit?” she demanded, scowling that famous scowl & throwing up gang signs that had me checking to make sure my Sig was loaded & ready for action should she press her posse into action.

She then went on to explain that once someone was knighted, they didn’t need to get re- knighted. Howling with laughter, she made some lame pun derogatory to American barbecues which I can’t repeat on a family website. I warned her that Keavin is a huge fan of bbqs, and that his palatial pole barn included a special room to hold his extensive BBQ supplies, which did a great deal to get her focused back on this important interview & the announcement I obviously didn’t understand.

She went on to explain that by Elton’s upcoming homosexual union, he was demonstrating adherence of the highest level to the code of a knight. I asked her how a guy who didn’t even like women could demonstrate adherence to the concept of courtly love, (not to be confused with Courtney Love, a woman so undesirable she could turn any man gay within seconds.) a standard all knights were famous for.

Queenie E, as she is called by her peeps, carefully explained what this meant to me. I was grateful, as I hail from the country which has no real way to reward entertainers for their excellence besides massive financial incentives, stars on the sidewalk and one silly & trivial awards show after another. Out here knights are what happens when the sun goes to sleep, what do I know about that?

“Courtly Love was always based on the knight pining away for some woman he could never have, like the poetry where the lowly knight wants to jump the bones of the Queen, but since he can’t or he’ll be beheaded, he just kills dragons for her, writes poetry dedicated to, wears her clothes & pines for her but never consummates it.” At this, such a sly glance flew between her & one of her posse, a guy who looked suspiciously like MC Hater that the sexual tension in the room was palpable. I started to fumble around for an excuse to leave, so they could further their verbal intercourse without the presence of gawkers when Queenie E. whipped back to the task at hand of giving me my five minutes so she could throw me out. Queenie E is a woman of her word!

She went on to explain that who better typifies the code of courtly love than someone who has no intention of ever consummating anything with a woman, ever. Such is the spirit of the long dead knights, she insisted loudly.

I asked her then if it were possible that Elton John was just seeking this marriage to secure a gold star on his knight’s cap, doing publicly something as part of an elaborate public relations scheme. Queenie E vehemently denied that anyone of British heritage would ever stage anything in order to impress critics.

I reminded her of the marriage of another Brit seeking Dameship, The Honorable & Delicate Future Lady Catherine Zeta Jones. Queenie E insisted she knew of no such plot, so I filled her in on that PR dream come true. During the publicity tour for her movie with Sir Sean Connery, “Entrapment”, critics argued that not only was it a stupid movie, the age difference between the stars was too far fetched. Rather than her agreeing that the movie was a colossal bomb in addition to having the far-fetched age difference, she ran out & wrestled Michael Douglas away from his marriage in order to silence such harsh reviews, insisting she likes the geriatric set so much she’ll marry them! The fact that the marriage hasn’t dissolved in divorce after all these months proves her desire to use it to obtain a female version of a good knighting. Sadly, this didn’t help the movie gain any more dollars.

So when the homosexual union between Elton & his boyfriend takes place, see how long it lasts after he gets his additional “knight of the higher order” award, which is an upgrade rather than a complete reknighting.

Words of week

Bedraggled: Being in a condition of deterioration

Quotidian: found in the ordinary course of events; "a placid everyday scene"

Démodé: No longer in fashion

Superannuated: To set aside or discard as old-fashioned or obsolete

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Fan Speak:

Posted by DeadSun:
You know--- this whole practice of knighting celebrities has truly gotten out of control. I'm not sure what the practicality behind it all is for. Hell, it doesn't add add up, even in terms of its ceremonial value. That there are plenty within British soldiery whose courage in combat easily merits this particular distinction almost turns the act into a mockery of what it was originally intended for. Secondly; it appears that the wide world now has knowledge of Keavin's BBQ fetish. Save a rack o' ribs for me, K. DS


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