The aging, semi-hysterical retired reporter rides shotgun with the greatest station wagon driver of them all down the rocky road of life. Mondays and Wednesdays, steady as she goes.

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Monday, September 26, 2005

They're still Wonder Women in my book

By Ben Beagle

I don't mind telling you I'm a little tired of the super-heroes we have now. As a matter of fact, it seems that the only one we have right now is Spider-Man, who jumps around a lot on his web -- and I'm the type of person who tends to scream a lot in the presence of spiders. In HBO reruns -- and boy, does HBO know a thing or two about reruns -- we often see George Clooney as Batman, but it isn't the same somehow. For one thing, his ears tend to make you laugh.

This is not to be taken as an attack on Alicia Silverstone, who plays Batgirl in this movie. But -- and Alicia might listen up a little here -- what this country needs is another Wonder Woman.

I mean, we need to believe in a woman in a patriotic uniform equipped with a golden cord that makes people tell the truth. If you let her loose with her golden cord in the nation's capital, a couple of thousand people would be fleeing over the 14th Street Bridge. And the White House would be half-empty.

And she could jump up on rooftops as easily as she dried her hair after a busy day of chasing evil persons.

And it is now my understanding that a new Wonder Woman film is planned and that Lynda Carter, the original Wonder Woman, is too old to be Wonder Woman anymore.

I also understand that Catherine Zeta-Jones, at 35, and Sandra Bullock, at 40, are too old to play Wonder Woman, according to the aging Ms. Carter.

Old Sandra, whom I have idolized since she drove that bus in "Speed," is just too sweet to interrogate criminals with a golden cord. Anybody who noticed those little lace anklets she wore while driving that bus will know what I mean. But that has nothing to do with her age.

Hello. I'm still here. I've just been watching the tape of old Catherine doing that dance in "Chicago." Which beats wearing an outfit that looks like you're a cheerleader for the America First movement. Catherine, you don't want to have anything to do with this turkey.

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