November 04, 2005
Lindsay Lohan attended the opening of Fendi's flagship store yesterday, looking like the Wicked Witch of the West. I don't know why she insists on the dark hair, since her natural red hair is so much more appealing. It's like she's going out of her way to make herself look evil. I guess cute and sexy is out, and dark and menacing is in. I mean why look like a pleasantly attractive girl when you can look like you ride around on a broom and cast spells on people? All she needs are a few flying monkeys to complete the look. Oh, and a hat. One of those pointy black ones. You know, the ones witches wear. Get it? Because she's a witch.
I was waiting to post this until a decent mirror surfaced, but a copy of Kevin Federline's new single has leaked to the internet and it's every bit as awesome as you could imagine. Some critics may have you think that he's an untalented hillbilly channeling the spirit of Vanilla Ice, but they're all just jealous. He even says, "My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008." He predicts that everybody will hate his music. Predicts! His style is so revolutionary that he knows everybody will hate it until 2008. So if you're sitting around thinking that rap requires talent and rhythm, you just wait and see. In three years, everybody's music will sound like it was made in a basement by a drunken idiot who can't read or write. And boy, will you feel silly then.
I actually postponed posting about this, hoping it was a joke, or a typo, or that Superman would fly around the world and reverse time so that I could forget I ever heard it. But no, Lindsay Lohan is set to star opposite Jared Leto in Chapter 27, an indie film about the murder of John Lennon. Lohan will play a devoted fan of the former Beatle who befriends Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman, shortly before the 1980 murder in New York.
I suppose Lindsay thinks she's got a better shot at earning some actor cred with this movie after somehow being ignored for her stirring work in Herbie: Fully Loaded. But, if I recall correctly, the main reason Mark David Chapman killed John Lennon was to become famous. Therefore I'm not sure basing an entire freaking movie on the guy is the best way to honor Lennon's memory. Hell, why not invite Chapman to the premiere and have him re-enact the whole thing? Have Lindsay make a music video with him called "Yoko's Next." Enough, I think I'm going to cry.
Sarah Michelle Gellar took time out of her busy schedule of doing absolutely nothing to lecture our woe-begotten society on its evils. At a benefit for Step Up Women's Network, Buffy said
Think about Rosa Parks. There was a woman who did so much for other women. And nowadays, women are famous for the way they wear their hair. Or designers they wear. Or who they date. Someone like Rosa Parks reminds you that fighting for women's causes is the most important thing we can do."
I love it when celebrities get all high-minded and criticize the very things that caused them to be celebrities in the first place. In my opinion she should stop talking about women's causes and start talking about the cause in my pants. Hell, she can even raise a benefit for it. Jenna Jameson will host, and the evening will be spent with two-dozen porn stars in Strawberry Shortcake outfits jello-wrestling for my love and calling me Doctor Schlong.
P.S. I think Sarah-Michelle Gellar might be a midget.
- Shallowness of starlets gets Gellar re-Buff [NY Daily News]
In an event frighteningly reminiscent of my thirteenth birthday party, Madonna was shocked at the MTV Europe Music Awards (EMAs) when host Ali G called her a transvestite. Walking onto the stage after the singer's performance of Hung Up, Ali G's alter ego Borat Sagdiyev said
Welcome to the 2005 Eurovision Song Contest. The singer before me - who was he? It was very courageous of MTV to start the show with a genuine transvestite."
As much as I'd like to disagree with the man, when I look at the pictures below my penis weeps. Like I've repeatedly told my grandma, at a certain age it just doesn't look good when you dress like a whore. Or when you slip your hand down my pants at the family reunion and call me your little poodle-pastry.
Thanks to Tess for the tip.
The aesthetically mismatched lesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are considering becoming first-time parents. Ellen recently told People magazine that:
I think we should do it (have a child) soon... When I'm around babies, I just melt."
Come on now, lesbians don't have babies. Everyone knows that lesbians just sit around their apartments in thongs and garter belts, giving each other massages and showering together and having crazy lesbian sex. I base this, of course, on nothing but my massive collection of porn. But if "Drunken Dungeon Mistresses 5" doesn't tell you all you need to know, I don't know what will.
Sometimes when I think I can't hate Ashlee Simpson any more than I already do, she shows up drunk at a Canadian McDonalds and starts climbing on the counters like a stupid monkey. And if that wasn't enough, she refuses to take a picture with a fan because he won't kiss her feet. I don't know anything about celebrity etiquette, but requiring fans to kiss your feet before you give them a picture seems a little on the rude side. But that's just me. I don't think regular people are my slaves.
Video clip of everybody's favorite punching bag after the jump.*Update: The video has been removed. You can catch a mirror here.
November 03, 2005
There's nothing sadder than when a woman finds out her gay husband is really not that gay after all. Except for that time I accidentally tripped this guy in front of a bunch of three-year-olds at the mall. And by 'tripped' I mean 'murdered'. And by 'this guy' I mean 'Santa Claus'. In any case, Nicole Kidman is very upset by the news that Tom Cruise, is about to have his first 'biological' child with Katie Holmes.
Nic learned about Tom and Katie’s baby the same way as everyone else — from the TV,” a friend of Kidman’s said. “She went shopping immediately after hearing the news to try and take her mind off it, but that just made things worse. She says people pointed at her, and everyone was whispering as soon as she turned her back. She’s taking it very hard.”
Of course the real reason she's upset is because the only time Tom let her have sex with him was when she put on a fake beard and talked like a pirate. And smacked his ass with ping-pong paddles. And called him Mr. Humphries. And even then she never got preggers. And do you know why? Yeah, that's right - butt sex.
In what I can only assume resulted from a serious case of the beergoggles, Leonardo DiCaprio was reportedly dumped by Gisele Bundchen for flirting with Sienna Miller. The actor was caught getting cosy with Ms. Miller in a Los Angeles nightclub several weeks ago. A source said that
She was tired of Leo's flirting. The straw that broke the camel's back was none other than Sienna."
Now there's nothing wrong with Sienna Miller. I mean, she does call an awful lot, and for some reason hates it when I stick a pillow over her head during sex, but she's generally not a bad day's work. But to lose Gisele Bundchen over her? That's like trading in a Ferrari for a warm cup of vomit. From a homeless man. Who lives in an abandoned circus tent. Naked. Not a good idea there Leo.
- Leonardo DiCaprio dumped for swooning over Sienna [Femalefirst]
The next time you take a drunken stroll through the streets and decide to urinate on the nearest fat woman you see, watch out - that fat woman could be Tyra Banks. She recently went undercover as a 350-pound woman to see what it's like to be obese.
It was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. I started walking down the street and within 10 seconds, a trio of people looked at me, snickered, looked me right in my eye and started pointing and laughing in my face."
Well I'm sure this is a shocking revelation to all of us. Fat people...are made fun of?! Oh my God?! Since when?! I can't wait for the episode where she discovers that child molesters aren't welcome as preschool teachers and quadriplegics don't win the 100 meter gold.
Thanks to Elizabeth for the tip.
November 02, 2005
When I woke up this morning I brushed my teeth with my feet and took a dump in the microwave. My car was a toaster and the only thing on tv was a bunch of blue cats singing the Soviet national anthem. I realized then that I'd stepped into bizarro world, which is the only explanation for Nicole Richie receiving the Young Hollywood's Style Icon award from Hollywood Life magazine. "I get ready pretty fast," said the Simple Life star. Richie's stylist revealed that the poster-child for eating disorders often waits "until the last minute" to get ready. "She's so low-maintenance because she's so beautiful naturally. Like her skin, it's so perfect that she doesn't need a lot of makeup. She never ever wears makeup during the day."
Now normally I have nothing against young girls being skinny. Particularly if they're also dumb and naked. Yet it would be remiss of me not to say that I now find Nicole Richie about as sexually attractive as my grandfather, who died in 1972 from a goiter the size of Rhode Island. Seriously, this girl's a mess.
- Nicole Richie's Style Secrets [People]
Jennifer Aniston was left covered in bruises after filming passionate sex scenes with Clive Owen. The former 'Friends' actress revealed how romping with the 'Closer' actor in new movie 'Derailed' left her black and blue. She told a US TV show: "I got some good bruises on my legs. " When asked about her co-star, she said "Was he dreamy? Yes, absolutely And then some."
Jennifer Aniston has recently been going out of her way to be as trampish as possible. Whether it's going googly over Clive Owen or groping Vince Vaughn or stumbling over to my house at three in the morning dressed as Catwoman. But if the goal is to make Brad Pitt jealous, well...let me put it this way. Brad Pitt has Angelina Jolie, so him getting jealous about Jennifer Aniston is like Bill Gates getting jealous of that schizophrenic in the alley who sleeps in a cardboard box and humps the fire hydrant. It's just not gonna happen.
For those of you who weren't aware, Halloween recently came and went as quick as Tom Cruise in a Village People concert. Here's a bunch of pictures of celebrities who got all dolled up for the occasion.
There is a reason God made certain girls beautiful. And while I'm not sure, I don't think it was so they could make themselves look like this. You know it's bad news when Seal is the attractive one.
• To the joy of every living man on the planet, Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Bundchen have broken up for good. Again. [Page Six]
• Choosing the weirdest way to get back into the media, Christian Slater fell off the roof of Paris Hilton's neighbor's house after he was shocked by the police. [People]
• Dennis Rodman has settled a speeding ticket that briefly led to a judge issuing an arrest warrant. It's nice to see the news finally covering the important things that are going on in the world like speeding tickets. [ABC News]
• The house Martha Stewart bought for her new reality show is haunted. That's not even supposed to be a joke. [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson says she saw a therapist to deal with the gossip surrounding her and Nick Lachey's marriage. Which is weird, because the gossip is totally true and they 100% cheated on each other. [AP]
November 01, 2005
I don't know much about children, and everything I do know, I learned from babysitting the Lindbergh baby, and that advice I got from Roman Polanski. But I do know enough about children to know that there is very little Britney Spears can teach them. Apparently, though, Kabbalah disagrees with me. They've asked her to write a children's book based on the cult's teachings, and she seems pretty keen on the idea.
Except I don't see how Britney can be much help. Unless Kabbalah has a story called Barefoot Eli and the Magical Bathroom Tetanus. Or The Frog Prince, except in this version, after the princess kisses the frog, it turns into a dancing sack of dirt. Kevin Federline could even write the forward for that book. It's about time that sack of dirt starting pulling his weight.
Italian goddess Monica Bellucci has refused to move to Hollywood to further her acting career, because she hates how women are treated by the American film industry.
I could never live there. They are obsessed with youth and beauty even more than us. There is this thing in America where actresses reach 40 and go mad. The film industry wants all these young people. They also like a different sort of woman (to me). I will never be skinny. I love to eat. Who cares? I am natural."
There are a lot of actresses who should worry about getting old and fat (Ashley Olsen, I'm looking in your direction), but Monica Bellucci is not one of them. Like I was telling her in bed just the other day, "Babe, you know I think you're beautiful, but if you gain any more weight I'll have to staple your stomach. Now go make me a sandwich." I don't know what any of this has to do with the story, but she can really make a mean tuna-on-rye.
Just when you thought it was safe to terrorize kids at the mall: Hip-hop star The Game ran afoul of the law when he showed up for autographs at a North Carolina shopping mall wearing a mask. The 25-year-old Compton-born rapper was taken into custody and charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after allegedly uttering a slew of profanities and ignoring a police order to remove the mask.
"I got arrested for signing autographs," he told local TV station WFMY. "Signing a little girl's autograph got me arrested. They thought I was Rodney King, man. It was a case of mistaken identity."
I'm curious about what kind of mask this was. I'm guessing the police mistook him for either the WolfMan or Dracula, which would explain why they tried to drive a stake through his heart. It's like that one Halloween I got arrested for dressing up as Pee-Wee-Herman. Of course the police said they arrested me because I was masturbating in the middle of the Finding Nemo matinee, but I knew the real reasons.
I have a quote here for you. It's not a very good one. In fact, it is a very bad one, and really just a bad story overall. But there's a reason for it, so keep your pants on. Carmen Electra apparently has a crush on Scarlett Johansson and said about her:
"She's hot. Her sexiness is totally appreciated by girls like me."
Everyone loves hearing about girls digging on other girls - it brings out the closet pervert in all of us. But I've read about a million stories like this, and I'm tempted not to read another until they stop teasing us and get with the panty-flying nakedness already. This, I think, is a basic difference between men and women. If a woman (say, I don't know, Carmen Electra) says that Scarlett Johansson is hot and has a great body, it means about as much as saying she likes ponies or rainbows or rainbow-colored ponies or pony rainbows. If a man (say, I don't know, me) says that Scarlett Johansson is hot and has a great body, it means I have 26 hours of Scarlett-Johnasson themed porn on my computer. It means I've set aside a special pair of latex underwear so that I'll be ready when (when, not if) I finally get her in the sack. It may or may not mean I dress up in a little skirt and pretend I actually am Scarlett Johansson. Hmm, you may just want to forget that last one.
October 31, 2005
I'll admit, this is the first time I've ever actually seen Mischa Barton's new boyfriend, club owner Cisco Adler. And since he used to date Kimberly Stewart, I guess it was foolish of me to expect something even vaguely human-looking. I know that Mischa's last boyfriend was a lump of grease, but at least he was a lump of grease with enough money to buy Lenin's brain. I don't know how much Cisco Adler is worth, but by the looks of it, I'd say 73 cents and a bag of Zesty Doritos. Sure, that would be more delicious than Lenin's brain, but it wouldn't be nearly as cool.
• Brooke Shields has announced that postpartum depression's got nothing on her, and that she's expecting her second baby in the spring. And just in case Tom Cruise doesn't like it, she's taken the preemptive step of taunting him by bench-pressing terrified gay icons all over town. [NY Post]
• Catherine Zeta-Jones has made it clear that changing three people's diapers is enough work for her, announcing that she and husband Michael Douglas are content with just two children. [Female First]
• Sharon Osbourne says that she wants to punch Madonna in the face in yet another desperate attempt to prove to the public that the Osbournes are really just like everyone else. [MSNBC]
• George Takei, Star Trek's Mr. Sulu, has beamed himself out of the closet and announced that he's gay. And if you think about it, is anyone really surprised? If I had to spend over three years in a cramped deck with William Shatner's erotic animal magnetism, I'd question my sexuality too. Oh, don't even pretend to be grossed out, man. One listen to his 46-minute spoken word version of "You Spin Me Round," and your knees would be jelly too. [CNN]
I've tried to make sense of it, but everytime I see Christina Aguilera with that goofy fiance of hers, I can't help but think that there's something very wrong with the world. Either he's secretly a billionaire or he's got a super gigantic penis. Any other explanation is just plain crazy.
The New York Daily News reports that at the opening of Jay-Z's 40/40 club in Atlantic City last Wednesday, Beyonce was overheard saying she was pregnant with Jay-Z's child.
However, the admission would jar with a report from another guest, who told me: "I definitely saw her drinking Champagne," implying that she was unlikely to be pregnant.
So either the New York Daily News is incredibly wrong about the baby thing, or Beyonce is a firm believer of mixing alcohol with pregnancy. Then again, if I found out my child was going to look like Jay-Z I'd want to get as drunk as possible too. When you realize you're going to have the ugliest child ever, alcohol is pretty much the only solution you've got.
Just when I thought I had a chance to catch Sienna Miller on the rebound, all vulnerable and drunk and kidnapped, she and Jude Law emerged from his north London home on Saturday afternoon after spending the night together.
As they walked down the path Jude told Sienna: "You go in the taxi, I'll take the car." Sienna replied: "But there are people out there." Jude told her: "Don't worry, it'll be fine."
As much as it pains me to tear you away from that stirring dialogue, I just have to wonder what's going on here. I mean, come on, figure it out already. Either you have a relationship where banging the help is accepted or you don't (this is also the difference between having a 'good' relationship, and one in which Jude prances around in a skirt and a mangina). Below are some old pics of Sienna looking some kind of hot, making me question whether Jude is in fact a very, very gay man. And the answer to that is of course "yes, very."
Eva Longoria, obviously under some sort of ancient hindu mind-control, has had Tony Parker's name tattooed onto an intimate part of her body.
You can see three of my tatts, they're all on public display, but the one that has Tony's initials is only seen by him. I'm not saying where it is - but let's just say he gets to view it on a very regular basis!"
Now I have nothing against basketball players per se (per se, mind you), but it appears as though I'm going to have to kill Tony Parker. Eva might, of course, be upset by this, but I'll just have to explain to her that I had to kill him because she is mine, all mine, and I'll never let her out of my sight again as long as she lives. Then I'll start jiggling my oiled pecs like Super Macho Man and her clothes will literally fall right off her body.
You know, I have a few fears. Penis in the zipper. Clowns eating me while I sleep. Showering with Kirk Cameron. Catherine Zeta Jones, on the other hand, fears having her fashion choices criticized as she walks down the red carpet.
"Just being 'the actress'," she says, "usually if you walk down a red carpet you have like 20 people from different magazines critiquing you: 'What she wore.' 'Was it a faux pas?' For example, the Oscars: I'm more nervous walking down the red carpet because of somebody saying how awful I look, or whatever."
Shouldn't she be worrying about, I don't know, celebrity-killing ninjas, or having a husband who drinks the blood of the living to sustain his immortality? Sometimes I fantasize about putting these people in a trailer park in West Virginia for a month, just to see how long it would take for their brains to melt, or for them to electrocute themselves on the toaster. But mostly because I want hot girls living next door.